5 April 2004
Optimism
Sometimes, making a new friend has some curious physiological effects on me:
- loss of appetite
- reluctance to sleep
- inability to concentrate
- excessive daydreaming
- compulsive grinning
Fortunately, these symptoms become mellower with successive incidents. The very first time is perfectly excruciating.
I was 14 when this first happened to me. I awoke abruptly in the middle of the night, electrified. For three hours, I trembled in my twin bed, obsessing about my new friend. I imagined that he might be awake too, maybe charged with the same electricity. Nothing could possibly have soothed me; I was bound to squirm in the pitch blackness until exhaustion plunged me into a series of disturbingly dissonant dreams. For several days, I ate very little and had only rudimentary conversation with others.
This memory reminds me that adolescence is the most harrowing phase of human life. Coping mechanisms are underdeveloped and personal resources are few, at the same time that one is seized by violent insecurities and seething hormones. Everything is hopelessly operatic. Whenever adults told me that it was the best time of my life, I wondered, "How can it get any worse?"
But no. It gets better. Much, much better! Everything is fine and likely to continue on a very fine trajectory.